Fat Shame, Weight Gain and TTC/RPL

So I’ve been working on acceptance/embracing all the feelings that come along with 3+ years of TTC, 4+ miscarriages, and the multitude of letdowns.  I’ve been working on accepting my imperfection….that’s got to be the hardest. I’ve been working on trying to figure out what I blame myself for- what is causing me to self sabotage and continue to gain weight.  Whenever I figure that out, I would like nothing more than to forgive myself for that so that I can get back on track and make some positive experiences in my life, instead of only negative. — I’m not even sure how one goes about forgiving themselves?? (please share your opinions, experiences, practices if you have any!)

I often put on a “perfect” mask- I hate when little things aren’t perfect in my life, and if they aren’t I make sure the world doesn’t know it (part of why we haven’t shared our infertility story with family/friends).  I abhor vulnerability and often times imagine if I would even have the courage to ask for help in a time of physical crisis. I realize that this all plays a role in a cyclical downward shame spiral- my imperfections make me feel weak and less worthy, my poor self image fuels my poor behavior, those poor choices continue to add up making me feel even more worthless etc etc….. I am consciously aware of all of it and yet I can’t seem to motivate myself out of this hole.  I used to be an athlete (though I’ve never been “skinny” or thin..that’s just not how my body has been designed) – even last summer I was taking part in group fitness activities and feeling strong- or at least like I was working toward something (of course a hypothyroid diagnosis, another miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy followed that).  I don’t know if depression won, or if I just got so defeated that I can’t make it out of my own head, let alone to the gym.  I currently weigh 50lbs more than when I started this journey…and I am still seeing the scale go up.

 

Yesterday I noticed a tell tale pregnancy sign for me- now it could just be some fluke PMS sensation – or it could be something else.  I am not putting any weight in it, either way.  My only thoughts when I noticed it-  ‘Oh my god, I weigh 260lbs…that’s 10lbs more than the last time I was at the doctors….” then I go on  to blame myself for the weight gain, to not allow myself to feel any excitement because I’ve endangered another potential pregnancy, to almost *hope* that I am not pregnant to give myself more time to get my sh*t together and lose some weight to be better prepared,  to worry about what the doctors might say about my weight *if* I am pregnant —- it’s terribly self-loathing and self-blaming.  The icing on the cake is that in my daily life I am very vocal about being body positive, and anti-fat shaming etc because those types of opinions and actions create minds like mine- and nothing good has ever come from fat shame…

I am hoping by writing this here that I will feel more accountable in my choices….I’ve got to do better for myself.

 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

— Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

Where have I been?

Well, there are about 5 or 6 posts that I had started, but never finished since my last in July.
What has happened? A lot, and nothing at all.
I miscarried back in June. Our 3rd? I actually wrote 2nd for a moment.  Man its been a long painful journey, so much so that its all starting to blur together like one horrible dream that we just cant wake up from.

In July we met with an RE.  Turns out I had slightly high thyroid levels, so they put me on some meds to get me back into normal range, and within two months, vola, normal.
We were also scheduled for a sonohystogram to get a better look at what we’re working with.  Everything came back as normal as they could. During the 3 month wait for the appointment we were not allowed to actively attempt conception.  If we conceived we would not have been allowed to have the Sonohystogram, and that would have set this process back.  So we waited.  We got the green light mid September, and by the end of October, I got pregnant again.

I was feeling strong and optimistic.  we had just come back from vacation.  I was rested, and I had started a new job back in August.  All those terrible things you’re told to do or that you’re not doing enough of, and that’s why you’re not pregnant yet. “relax”, “take your mind off of it”, “focus on something else”.  All those terrible things.   And, you actually start to believe them.  I really believed that if I could just throw myself into work, I would be granted my one wish.
Well, I guess I was.  We did get pregnant after all.  Except that we miscarried again, one week after the positive HPT.   That’s been the recurring theme.  Get pregnant.  Levels go to some stupid low number like 12, and then to 17, 48hrs later…..and then you’re told over the stupid phone while you’re sitting in your stupid car that you’re having another stupid miscarriage.
Then comes the Rhogam, and the 2 weeks of blood tests and bruised arms, and playing phone tag with nurses to make sure your levels return to where they were 2 weeks before.  0.

We had purchased a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor in the spring, but hadn’t had the chance to use it until October.  I had tried tracking with LH sticks before, but never really set my mind to it.  I followed all the directions to a T,  which often meant waking up to pee at 4am and then not being able to fall back asleep again. But aside from that,  it actually worked out really well for us, I think.  We found out that I don’t ovulate until cd20, and my cycle is a 30-31 day cycle. which seems like a short luteal phase to me. We have an appointment to see our RE on Friday to talk about stuff like that.  Kind of sucks when it takes nearly 2 months just to see your doctor after something like this.

So here we are today.  Let me tell you about today.  I am currently day 38 post miscarriage.  Which, isn’t too shocking, except that with my other 3 natural early miscarriages/chemical pregnancies, I’ve bled for 5-7 days, and my period returned approx 30-34 days after. (except for the first, I bled for 2 weeks with the first so that messed up my weeks).  So. on cd 30, I had a small amount of spotting.  No surprise, I was expecting my period.  Then I waited a whole week and still no period.  So….I took a test.  I couldn’t NOT take a test! You always hear about someone having a miscarriage, and getting pregnant during that first month and not knowing, etc etc. I had a faint positive line. I can’t say that I was happy, or excited, or really moved in anyway.  To be honest I think my stomach and hands started shaking with anxiety.  There was a surge of  “Here we go again”.  I am still spotting a couple times a day, but more so after a lot of activity, like walking, or lifting. (its winter here, and we just had our first snow but I am NOT going out to shovel. )  But, I took another HPT this morning, and this time there were no double line. So, I’m a bit baffled, and a bit blue. I’m currently 38 days post miscarriage, and if that wasn’t a false positive, I’m pretty fearful that my HCG numbers peaked at something stupid-low like 12 again, and have already started to fall.  I was at 7 before I started to bleed last time.  I am still have some spotting, but my symptoms arent as strong, so I’ve put myself on slug status anyway. I think I’ve gotten up maybe 3 times today.  I’ve gained weight that I shouldn’t have gained because of it.  I’ve been in the obese category my entire life.  But this is the heaviest I’ve ever weighed.  I’m feeling blue, trying to stay positive, but definitely stress eating. I’ve gained 10lbs with each loss.  I honestly can not afford to gain another pound. I’m kind of convinced that that is why we are loosing all of our babies in the first place…

We meet with the RE on Friday to go over hormone treatment options to help us keep a baby.  I haven’t told any doctors about my faint positive.  If I am pregnant, wonderful, if I miscarry…terrible. But, I’ve had my Rhogam shot recently enough that I’d rather just keep this little nugget of info between me and my husband.  I don’t think I can bear another series of blood draws, and nurses hounding me to call them back, when they only have bad news.  I have some left over Prometrium from last month when we tried that approach, so I am self medicating, and just putting it in gods hands.   ‘Cause that’s where it is anyway, no matter how many nurses know my HCG numbers. We’ll probably tell our RE on Friday, but unless he has some magic pill or therapy to hold on to a pregnancy, I’m not interested in tracking anything this time.