different story, same story

Almost another year has come and gone and some things are different and some have stayed the same.

I’m in a much better place both mentally and physically. I am just 7lbs shy from the weight I was when we first began this process almost 6 years ago. I’ve lost the 55lbs that I had gained somewhere between multiple miscarriages and depression over the years. I feel better in a hundred different ways! I mean, I’m still technically overweight and I’d like to continue this weight loss but now some things are changing slightly in my life, so we’ll see if i’ll be able to mentally handle the pressure.

We are still childless, and while the thought of that is upsetting and frustrating to me, I feel like I’ve come a ways out of my grieving dark hole since our losses. While we haven’t guarded against it, we haven’t been pregnant in a couple years, or experienced a loss. I think that has helped given me some space and distance to fully feel them, and begin to put myself back together. I haven’t felt so much like myself in five years. I’ve been enjoying life, and experiences and I needed this break.

I was reluctant to rejoin the child seeking masses and schedule an appointment at a specialty center at the beginning of the year. I was afraid of the procedures, medicines, diagnostics, and insanity of it weighing on my mind incessantly. We started the process early this spring and it was slow going at first. A lot of weeks in between appointments and follow ups. Suffice it to say, everything about me and my partner is normal, and working perfectly … I mean, except for the part about why the heck we cant get pregnant or stay pregnant. No one has answers for that, yet. I’m wondering if mentally or physically my body has had enough with losses and let down and has built a little wall inside my body. “None shall pass.”

Now comes the not so fun parts.  We’ve started the process to have an IUI this month. First, this feels like it’s happening fast because all of our previous appointments were weeks apart and we just decided this last week, and tonight I will be starting meds. I honestly hate taking any medicine. The plan is to do a few cycles, try to get pregnant again, and see if I can keep it this time. Because it’s been so long since our last pregnancy/loss I think the new clinic wants to see if anything has changed as far as, hey, maybe I can actually sustain life now, or maybe they can figure out what’s going on if I lose this one. Either way, it seems like no big deal to everyone there. Like, “Hey, just do a little IUI, get pregnant and see what happens.” Like it’s really so easy to 1. take meds and deal with side effects. 2. get pregnant. 3. stay pregnant. 4. have a miscarriage 5. deal with said miscarriage with Rhogam/DNC/grief whatever.  Oh yeah, and update all kinds of doctors and nurses on that process as I go. Yeah, totally easy. Nope.  BUT, I’m pulling out the big girl panties again and going for it, and trying not dwell on what I cant control, which is pretty much everything.

I have felt an old familiar anger and frustration and self pity bubble up recently. I thought I had dealt with these emotions, but apparently they were just out of sight, out of mind. I’m frustrated that I have to let everyone and their sister know about my period, my cycle, my losses, make phone calls and appointments, deal with insurance, and payments and schedules for me and my husband. And, it doesn’t help that the doctor is almost an hour away from my home, and about an hour and a half from my husband’s work. Not the simplest task to coordinate. It’s all completely inconvenient and it sucks. It really sucks. I think about how awful it must be to be ill, and to feel ill and to have to go to treatments and make appointments and how terrible that must feel. That would be an actual nightmare.  Then I feel even more awful about having these feelings. But truth is, this does suck, and it is inconvenient, and I do feel like I’m living in a nightmare sometimes.

This was the rabbit hole I was trying to avoid, but there is no way out but down. I’ve got to go down.

 

Honestly if it were up to just me I probably would have tried to foster or adopt by now. I just want a child and genetic connection doesn’t feel as important to me as the pain and drain of the past 5 years and a potential childless future. BUT marriages and partnerships are about compromise, so here we are.

Retrospective; Loss and Lost

I don’t know what I am doing any more.  I’ve felt low before, but I’ve never felt more lost.  As of now we’ve had 4 confirmed miscarriages, and 2 non-confirmed miscarriages/chemical pregnancies, ones that I didn’t even bother to investigate. I am convinced that I miscarried/had a chemical pregnancy in December.  I had one HCG done by a different lab  (the lab my RE uses, instead of the usual one I go to from my OBGYN). The nurse I dealt with was rude, and inconsiderate when I called for my results.  I asked for my results, she responded with 5.6, so I said do I need to track this to 0 (like I had always done before) she said “no, you’re not pregnant” and then hung up. My experience has been anything over 5 is pregnant.

This past cycle I stopped taking all of my vitamins and royal jelly, I just needed a break 3+ years is a long time.  I did not end up ovulating until CD23. Lately my cycles have been 32 days (up from 30-31 before all these miscarriages).  But this time I did not start my period until day 36. I think this may have been another chemical pregnancy.  I had the mild symptoms that I usually get, except this time I had the worse heart burn for 5 days straight.  I’ve never had heart burn with other pregnancies, so I was thrilled to say the least (I have honestly prayed for morning sickness on multiple occasions).  For those 4 days following CD32 I was in heartburn bliss, truly believing that my hormones must be doubling, and that I would be so lucky to have a normal pregnancy THIS time.  Then I woke up on day 36.  I just knew.  No sore nipples, no headache, no heartburn, and I had the usual abdominal sensations that I get prior to my period.

So, whether this was just another wacky period due to my  messed up hormones, or whether it was something else, I don’t know.  I’m not trying to win any heart ache contest here.

I don’t know what to do next.  When I last spoke with my RE in December he suggested trying Clomid for my next cycle. We still haven’t gone back.  I just don’t feel in my heart that Clomid is the solution to this problem.   Its not a magic pill.  And I would honestly like to fix my cycles, and get them a little more normal before trying to put a Clomid bandaid on our problem.

I am just at a loss.  I don’t know where to go next or who can help us.  No one seems to have any answers for us. No one seems to know anything about unexplained recurrent  pregnancy loss. In Maine it feels like we have very limited options when it comes to fertility doctors and second opinions, and most of them seem to excel in getting people pregnant, not keeping them there.  And while our RE is a very kind man, and an extremely knowledgeable person, I just don’t feel like he is doing enough for us, or offering enough to us.  At our last visit he pretty much said that if Clomid didn’t work, our only other option was to keep trying (and maybe trying aspirin even though my tests came back negative for clotting disorders) and hopefully someday something would stick, or to consider adoption or surrogacy. This is the end of the line. It was an awful blow.  I didn’t realize until that point that my options were so limited, and that there were no answers to our problems.  There’s got to be more..??? Theres got to be.  If there isn’t, I’m not sure how I am going to stayed glued together.

Where have I been?

Well, there are about 5 or 6 posts that I had started, but never finished since my last in July.
What has happened? A lot, and nothing at all.
I miscarried back in June. Our 3rd? I actually wrote 2nd for a moment.  Man its been a long painful journey, so much so that its all starting to blur together like one horrible dream that we just cant wake up from.

In July we met with an RE.  Turns out I had slightly high thyroid levels, so they put me on some meds to get me back into normal range, and within two months, vola, normal.
We were also scheduled for a sonohystogram to get a better look at what we’re working with.  Everything came back as normal as they could. During the 3 month wait for the appointment we were not allowed to actively attempt conception.  If we conceived we would not have been allowed to have the Sonohystogram, and that would have set this process back.  So we waited.  We got the green light mid September, and by the end of October, I got pregnant again.

I was feeling strong and optimistic.  we had just come back from vacation.  I was rested, and I had started a new job back in August.  All those terrible things you’re told to do or that you’re not doing enough of, and that’s why you’re not pregnant yet. “relax”, “take your mind off of it”, “focus on something else”.  All those terrible things.   And, you actually start to believe them.  I really believed that if I could just throw myself into work, I would be granted my one wish.
Well, I guess I was.  We did get pregnant after all.  Except that we miscarried again, one week after the positive HPT.   That’s been the recurring theme.  Get pregnant.  Levels go to some stupid low number like 12, and then to 17, 48hrs later…..and then you’re told over the stupid phone while you’re sitting in your stupid car that you’re having another stupid miscarriage.
Then comes the Rhogam, and the 2 weeks of blood tests and bruised arms, and playing phone tag with nurses to make sure your levels return to where they were 2 weeks before.  0.

We had purchased a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor in the spring, but hadn’t had the chance to use it until October.  I had tried tracking with LH sticks before, but never really set my mind to it.  I followed all the directions to a T,  which often meant waking up to pee at 4am and then not being able to fall back asleep again. But aside from that,  it actually worked out really well for us, I think.  We found out that I don’t ovulate until cd20, and my cycle is a 30-31 day cycle. which seems like a short luteal phase to me. We have an appointment to see our RE on Friday to talk about stuff like that.  Kind of sucks when it takes nearly 2 months just to see your doctor after something like this.

So here we are today.  Let me tell you about today.  I am currently day 38 post miscarriage.  Which, isn’t too shocking, except that with my other 3 natural early miscarriages/chemical pregnancies, I’ve bled for 5-7 days, and my period returned approx 30-34 days after. (except for the first, I bled for 2 weeks with the first so that messed up my weeks).  So. on cd 30, I had a small amount of spotting.  No surprise, I was expecting my period.  Then I waited a whole week and still no period.  So….I took a test.  I couldn’t NOT take a test! You always hear about someone having a miscarriage, and getting pregnant during that first month and not knowing, etc etc. I had a faint positive line. I can’t say that I was happy, or excited, or really moved in anyway.  To be honest I think my stomach and hands started shaking with anxiety.  There was a surge of  “Here we go again”.  I am still spotting a couple times a day, but more so after a lot of activity, like walking, or lifting. (its winter here, and we just had our first snow but I am NOT going out to shovel. )  But, I took another HPT this morning, and this time there were no double line. So, I’m a bit baffled, and a bit blue. I’m currently 38 days post miscarriage, and if that wasn’t a false positive, I’m pretty fearful that my HCG numbers peaked at something stupid-low like 12 again, and have already started to fall.  I was at 7 before I started to bleed last time.  I am still have some spotting, but my symptoms arent as strong, so I’ve put myself on slug status anyway. I think I’ve gotten up maybe 3 times today.  I’ve gained weight that I shouldn’t have gained because of it.  I’ve been in the obese category my entire life.  But this is the heaviest I’ve ever weighed.  I’m feeling blue, trying to stay positive, but definitely stress eating. I’ve gained 10lbs with each loss.  I honestly can not afford to gain another pound. I’m kind of convinced that that is why we are loosing all of our babies in the first place…

We meet with the RE on Friday to go over hormone treatment options to help us keep a baby.  I haven’t told any doctors about my faint positive.  If I am pregnant, wonderful, if I miscarry…terrible. But, I’ve had my Rhogam shot recently enough that I’d rather just keep this little nugget of info between me and my husband.  I don’t think I can bear another series of blood draws, and nurses hounding me to call them back, when they only have bad news.  I have some left over Prometrium from last month when we tried that approach, so I am self medicating, and just putting it in gods hands.   ‘Cause that’s where it is anyway, no matter how many nurses know my HCG numbers. We’ll probably tell our RE on Friday, but unless he has some magic pill or therapy to hold on to a pregnancy, I’m not interested in tracking anything this time.

“Well that changes everything…”

“5.4.   I have never in my entire career caught a pregnancy at a 5.4….that’s why I assumed it was going in the other direction.”

My OB has two amazingly helpful nurses, one is a realist and explained why she assumed my bleeding and HCG results were a clear indication that I was miscarrying.  The other could easily be mistaken for a cheerleader. So enthusiastic, and optimistic.  She had left me a message last Friday that had my stomach doing cartwheels. I honestly thought I was going to pass out from an overabundance of emotions (we had found out that same morning that my father’s cancer had not spread and had been fully removed last month! It was a great day.). I actually fumbled with my phone and missed the entire first 30 seconds of the 2 minute message she had left.  She said my numbers were rising appropriately! They were low, but she assured me it was very early and they had doubled appropriately. “Cautiously optimistic”, she said. Unfortunately, I had heard these words from her mouth before, last October/November.  I appreciate her excitement, but I worry about the hope that it gives me.

I called the office back on Monday, and talked with the Realist. I was a little upset at the end of the conversation because I felt like she was being pessimistic.  I guess I appreciate optimism more than I thought.  We had discussed my numbers, from 5.4 to 14.3 over 48 hrs. The bleeding had stopped but she warned that the numbers were very very low, and suggested that I still keep my Recurrent Miscarriage Consultation I have scheduled for next week.  “We don’t want to jinx ourselves.”, she said.  Something about that irked me.  As if I could be at fault for thinking good thoughts about this pregnancy, if god forbid something went wrong??!! But she was right, I shouldn’t get too far ahead of myself. I asked about progesterone, and she told me to wait what my next results were.

I’ve been in constant Google-mode since then. I’ve yet to find anyone with numbers as low as mine in the week following their missed period. Without testing the best I can assume is that maybe I am just a late ovulator, and maybe all that bleeding and cramping following my missed period was a weird late implantation bleed, which would explain why the NEXT day, my numbers were only 5.4.  But that would mean it took close to 14 days to implant… It’s just so confusing.  I realize I have a very rudimentary idea of what’s going on with my body, and that there could actually be something wrong genetically, or chemically, or hormonally or blood wise.  I’m frustrated, and consumed…but I know I need to stay positive, and hopeful.

As of yesterday, the numbers were still doubling  (in the midst of relief, I forgot to ask the exact numbers) I was at the movie theater when the Optimist called.  There is absolutely NO privacy at a movie theater, and it was pouring rain outside, so I hid in the corner of a hallway, with people walking by as I discussed brown spotting after lifting, progesterone and my slow thyroid.  Awkward.
She mentioned that they don’t usually use progesterone until a person has had more than 2 miscarriages.  EXACTLY?! I had to correct her and explain that this WAS my third pregnancy/miscarriage…apparently they didn’t have my first on file because I wasn’t an actual patient of that OB until after. I was with my GP back then.

“Well, that changes everything!”  She apologized and explained how usually people would have had some testing done by now (my mistake as I wanted to avoid the possibility that there could be something wrong with me) and that we are nearing the cut off point to start progesterone treatments.  She got me an appointment for Friday with a different doctor, as mine is on vacation. Hopefully my levels are still rising, and hopefully he will have some sort of explanation or plan of action to help this one stick.

For now I’m just trying to enjoy where I am at, living in the present and being thankful that I am currently not bleeding (well, aside from some brown discharge) or cramping. Preparing myself for the worst, but enjoying the best, and finding myself wondering if I am actually nauseous, or if my mind is playing tricks on me.
(…I’ve been praying for morning sickness every month for 2 years now.)

I read something beautiful while surfing around through different blogs and communities. Someone said “each pregnancy should be acknowledged and celebrated.” It really hit me hard because I feel a bit of guilt not celebrating this pregnancy or the ones before. (it’s easier to not get attached, and try to move on quickly).  I’m going to try to be better. Try to be more optimistic, and enjoy being pregnant and whatever it brings.

Infertility Intro part 2

composed on June 3rd, 2013

My longest pregnancy to date has only lasted 5 weeks and a number of days that I can not pin point.  That was my second pregnancy, and my second miscarriage.

Its been a little over 2 1/2  years since we began trying to start a family.  3 years ago I wouldn’t have imagined that we’d be here now…I guess I wasn’t sure where we’d be exactly, but here? No, that happens to other people.  But I guess that’s the essence of life.  It throws you curve balls, and you’re left to figure out how to get from point A to point B, or give up.  Thankfully, DH and I are both really stubborn.

Our second miscarriage was the most draining of the 3. (yes, as of today I am now in the category of multiple. One is more common than people assume, two could be a really terrible fluke…and usually by 3, there’s something that should be fixed. Or at least that’s what I’m told.) The bleeding came not long after I found out I was pregnant, I assumed the worst.  But, my HCG  levels were still increasing, slowly, but increasing. Then, as fast as it came, the bleeding stopped. What a relief. Maybe this time!

For a little over a week I had my levels checked. We were hopeful.  Then they slowed.  and stopped. and dropped.  and the bleeding started again.

It was a roller coaster of emotion for over 3 weeks. In the end I was honestly happy. Happy it was over. Happy to move on.  Having hope get taken away again and again was exhausting, and I was ready to move past it, and start fresh. The holidays were coming and we had things to look forward to, including trying again.

I was told if I was really concerned that they could start testing. Usually doctors make you wait until you’ve had 3 miscarriage, but My doctor’s office told me to call them back if I wanted to set up a consultation to discuss.

I told them I’d probably call them back after the Holidays.

I never did.

I don’t think I was ready to deal with it being more than a terrible fluke. After the Holidays I met with my GP for a routine physical to make sure all my basics were still normal. (after the miscarriages I can feel noticeable changes in my body.)
Everything checked out, though I think going into last winter on a sad note induced a seasonal depression in me.  (Seasonal depression is pretty common here in Maine, as we lack vitamin D during the winter months because of our angle to the Sun. Its so damn cold and dark here for so damn long.)

When 2013 came around, I was determined to change the way I was living.

I couldn’t allow myself to become absorbed in this mission to create life.  I could feel it taking over all of my thoughts, my life had revolved around trying to make a baby.

I was determined to stop limiting myself because I was planning on getting pregnant.  There were a lot of things I stopped doing during 2012 because I was afraid that I would harm a potential pregnancy (like intense work-outs/sports).  There were a lot of things that I didn’t want to start because we wanted to be pregnant soon, and I would just have to stop. Yeah, that was an excuse I used a lot.  We stopped planning vacations because “we might get pregnant and not be able to travel”.

I missed out on doing too many things during 2012, and I was tired of living a life in limbo.

Baby making  had turned into a job.  Lets face it, no matter how fun a job is, it’s still a job. We vowed to stop charting  days, and planning things out based on a date on the calendar.

So I changed. I was happy again, and elated when I missed my period for the 3rd time last week…
And crushed when I started bleeding yesterday morning.
Here I am again, absorbed in this mission to create or preserve life, stuck in limbo.

Infertility Intro: part 1

January 2013:

I cried at the doctors this morning.  This might not seem like a big deal but I’ve never cried at the doctors office before…actually I don’t think I’ve cried much publicly since childhood.  Even when they told me I was miscarrying for the second time, I composed myself, left the office and cried privately.  But today, several months after my second miscarriage, nearly two years since trying to conceive, and 40lbs heavier than when I started on this journey (officially obese, it’s hard to wrap my mind around that kind of self sabotage), and I couldn’t compose myself when recapping the years events to my GP in that stupid, sterile, little room.

“It’s been a shit year”…okay, maybe I said “rough year”….but it amounts to the same.

Even though it was a hard year, I still had love. I’ve been lucky in love, and have been with my wonderful husband since I was 15.  We practiced safe sex until we were 27.  I guess we must have had a great Sex Ed program in our hometown high school, because we were lead to believe that having unprotected sex even once would probably lead to an unwanted pregnancy.  I was naive, apparently it’s not so simple for everyone. I had this idea that I would fall pregnant very quickly. “It only takes one time”, A Sex Ed’s mantra.I even figured I’d be able to plan the birth month. Sometime in the spring. May, maybe….Seriously. Before even trying we had planned to have 2 kids by the end of this year.  Well, that isn’t how it happened, and that’s certainly not how it’s going to happen. Okay, I was very naive.

I maintained a healthy lifestyle with the right vitamins and food for over a year before deciding to start a family in May of 2011.  By the end of 2011 I think we finally realized that this process wasn’t as simple as P in V = B.

But, January came and I started having some pelvic pains. Sometimes it hurt to even laugh.  We found out on Superbowl Sunday that I was pregnant. The Patriots didn’t win, but  my husband was still the happiest.

Unfortunately, I started spotting the very next day.  At this point I didn’t understand its implications, and had actually convinced myself it was some sort of implantation bleed.  After a few days, the bleeding and cramping increased, and things became more scary. I didn’t have a GYN.  I’d never had the need for one, I had just turned 28 and didn’t have a GYN…crazy.

My GP took a look and decided it was a “threatened abortion”.  Since I am blood  type O – , I was sent to the hospital to have the RhoGAM injection (which basically prevents my immune system from attacking the possibly Rh+ blood of the fetus in the case of blood mixing, thus building up antibodies to future Rh+ pregnancies)  and to get my HCG beta levels taken. They were low, and dropping slowly.

My first miscarriage….What a long month that was.  Between having having my levels taken (blood being drawn from each arm every other day), and all the bleeding and cramping involved in a natural miscarriage, I was emotionally exhausted, sore and sad.

I was at my healthiest, I was doing the right things, we had  been trying for what (at the time) seemed like a long time.

I was filled with disappointment, and discouragement.

The months following were really dark, I gained 40lbs, became obsessive about getting pregnant, and felt really sorry for myself.  We decided to keep that, (and the following miscarriage) private between the two of us, and the doctors…

Actually, we haven’t told anyone that we have been trying…

(when you don’t tell people you’re trying, you don’t have to tell people you’re failing.)