So I’ve been working on acceptance/embracing all the feelings that come along with 3+ years of TTC, 4+ miscarriages, and the multitude of letdowns.  I’ve been working on accepting my imperfection….that’s got to be the hardest. I’ve been working on trying to figure out what I blame myself for- what is causing me to self sabotage and continue to gain weight.  Whenever I figure that out, I would like nothing more than to forgive myself for that so that I can get back on track and make some positive experiences in my life, instead of only negative. — I’m not even sure how one goes about forgiving themselves?? (please share your opinions, experiences, practices if you have any!)

I often put on a “perfect” mask- I hate when little things aren’t perfect in my life, and if they aren’t I make sure the world doesn’t know it (part of why we haven’t shared our infertility story with family/friends).  I abhor vulnerability and often times imagine if I would even have the courage to ask for help in a time of physical crisis. I realize that this all plays a role in a cyclical downward shame spiral- my imperfections make me feel weak and less worthy, my poor self image fuels my poor behavior, those poor choices continue to add up making me feel even more worthless etc etc….. I am consciously aware of all of it and yet I can’t seem to motivate myself out of this hole.  I used to be an athlete (though I’ve never been “skinny” or thin..that’s just not how my body has been designed) – even last summer I was taking part in group fitness activities and feeling strong- or at least like I was working toward something (of course a hypothyroid diagnosis, another miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy followed that).  I don’t know if depression won, or if I just got so defeated that I can’t make it out of my own head, let alone to the gym.  I currently weigh 50lbs more than when I started this journey…and I am still seeing the scale go up.

 

Yesterday I noticed a tell tale pregnancy sign for me- now it could just be some fluke PMS sensation – or it could be something else.  I am not putting any weight in it, either way.  My only thoughts when I noticed it-  ‘Oh my god, I weigh 260lbs…that’s 10lbs more than the last time I was at the doctors….” then I go on  to blame myself for the weight gain, to not allow myself to feel any excitement because I’ve endangered another potential pregnancy, to almost *hope* that I am not pregnant to give myself more time to get my sh*t together and lose some weight to be better prepared,  to worry about what the doctors might say about my weight *if* I am pregnant —- it’s terribly self-loathing and self-blaming.  The icing on the cake is that in my daily life I am very vocal about being body positive, and anti-fat shaming etc because those types of opinions and actions create minds like mine- and nothing good has ever come from fat shame…

I am hoping by writing this here that I will feel more accountable in my choices….I’ve got to do better for myself.

 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

 

— Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks