It seems I always come here when I am needing to distract myself from hope. I guess the fact that I actually feel hopeful is a good thing.  We had taken some time off from once being VERY active in trying to conceive. For the past 9 months I’ve relaxed a bit.  It was hard at first.  Trying to have a baby for 4 years straight will do that.  But the past 3 or 4 months, I honestly had not even checked my calendar or marked any days. I’ve drank alcohol on special occasion, taken hot baths and stopped using my fertility monitor.  I lived.  And it was nice.  I mean, I still had my moments, but overall I think I’ve done a HECK of a lot of healing these past 9 months.  I’m surprised with myself.  Healing just sort of snuck up on me.  I’ve even started eating better and got back into light exercise. Thats huge because I was so down and out I honestly hadn’t cared about myself in a long long time.  I’m even getting a hair cut next week!!!

With that being said, last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life.  Last week we said goodbye to our rescue pup.  I know in my last post I was angry and upset and I mentioned being unsure whether I could ever really feel the same for them after….well, I did.  I healed.  I surprised myself.  And I began to love her with all of my heart.  She needed me, and I LOVED that about her.  But, because of the stress of the two dog’s energies, we had already made the decision to rehome her.  I dragged my feet for over a month.  Going back and forth, back and forth.  The dogs were doing great together now…. but that one fight they had, where she ended up at the emergency vet with severe puncture wounds was always in the back of my mind.  What if I decided to take a shower, or walk on the treadmill and I forget to separate them.  What if the mail lady knocks on the door and sets them off.  Something so little could escalate so quickly, and if I wasn’t nearby to stop it quick, it could be deadly.  So, inevitably we decided for her safety, that rehoming her was the best option.  I spent the days leading up to her drop off cuddling her and giving her anything she wanted.  I love her so dearly.  The day we dropped her off at her new foster home was the worst.  I was an absolute mess.  She shook in our back seat.  I think she could feel my nerves and how upset I was.  She knew, and that was the worst…..  She needed me and I was giving up on her.  I feel so much guilt about it.  I’ve been tormented by thoughts of her, and her anxieties for the past week.  I’m sure she is adjusting the best she can….its just that we were finally making some progress here.  If I had it my way I would have kept her forever.  My husband was ready to give her a new home months ago.  She was attached to me, not him.  Finally, I gave in. My biggest reasoning was her safety ( though, we do need to refocus on having a family, and that couldn’t be done under the stress of another potential dog fight…especially if it was anything like the last.)

With all that, my period was due 2-3 days ago.  I’ve had a 34 day cycle before, after a miscarriage…. but I’m assuming this kind of stress might be causing some delays.  Though, I do feel some things happening in my abdomen, my back is killing me and my breasts are not sore like they usually are during PMS. I’m just speculating here, but I do feel that all too familiar twinge of hope.  On the other hand, another loss so soon after all this pet drama and I’m not sure how I would cope!!!

 

On the bright side, we’ve been spoiling the crap out of our older dog this past week, and it is nice to have a little less stress and tension in our home.