I don’t necessarily think that ignoring or dismissing something is the best coping strategy, especially when healing and growth need to occur. I can say that for nearly a year now i’ve avoided this place (too many familiar sad stories), and i’ve stopped living by “What-ifs”. I’ve stopped thinking about wanting to be pregnant and our losses. I’ve stopped planning and arranging my life by pee sticks and days of the month. I’ve started to push myself to feel happy for friends and family with children (though not quite fully there). I’ve liked their photos on Facebook and even smiled at a few diaper commercials. I’m not in denial. if I give pause and remind myself I’m easily flooded with painful emotion. For the past almost year I’ve work to push these feelings aside … I’m not saying that’s the healthiest thing to do, because maybe it’s not, but my day-to-days have gotten easier. Maybe a little bit of denial is helpful in healing. Maybe my mind needed/still needs a break. Maybe the constant reminders and sadness were keeping me stuck. I had to release some of that.
We haven’t been really trying to get pregnant for … I cant really even remember. Maybe a year and a half, maybe two. I’ve stopped pre-natals, I’ve stopped testing and counting days. We haven’t prevented it from happening either. Of course, nothing has happened, which is both good and bad. Bad in the sense that, hey, it’s not totally normal to NOT get pregnant after having unprotected sex for a year and a half. Good because that means I haven’t had to face the heartache of another miscarriage for a while now. Actually, it’s been so long that i’ve started considering throwing my hat back into the ring. Maybe we should start trying hard, charting days, and taking vitamins. My biggest and most real fear is that I will tailspin back into a pit of despair that i’ve worked really hard to scratch, claw and climb my way out of. It’s such a slippery slope. One ounce of hope or heartache could unravel any progress I’ve made … If I’ve made any true progress at all, I guess.
It’s just hard to think about going back down that rabbit hole. In this past year I’ve made some real positive changes in both my physical health and mental well being. I had gained all this weight because of the depression caused by 5 consecutive miscarriages and 4 years of trying for a live baby. In this last year i’ve lost 20 of the 55 lbs I had gained (still have a ways to go!) I’ve slowly started working out and doing yoga. I’ve got a job that I really enjoy where I’m learning new things everyday. I’ve opened up more with my family about our struggles with recurrent pregnancy loss, and I find that sometimes a day or two can go by without sadness and thinking about my painful desire to have children. I have actual goals that aren’t centered around conceiving and maintaining pregnancy. I have interests and hobbies. I’ve been gentle and kind to myself. I’ve started to feel like me again. Like, really me and not someone who’s trapped in a constant state of sorrow and cant see past the next five minutes. Not someone who’s trapped in a world of blocked friends on Facebook because she cant stand to see another birth announcement. Not someone who’s too scared to have an iced chai because of the caffeine or doesn’t want to plan a distant vacation for fear of flying pregnant. Not someone who can’t toast with champagne at a friend’s wedding. Not someone who gets jealous of people starting families much younger than she tried. Not someone who’s angry all the time. I’d really like to not be her again and I’m really worried that if we start trying harder then I might disappear into that abyss.
I have an appointment for my yearly with my GYN next week. Truthfully, I haven’t been to see any doctor in over a year and a half and I haven’t seen her in much longer. I’m sure we will talk about things and maybe she will have some advice, maybe not.
I think we’re just kind of waiting for something good to happen to us. I know that’s unlikely, it doesn’t really work like that. People work hard for the good things they have in life and sometimes that includes children. I think we’re just tired and waiting for lightning to strike.
Candid Cass 