it’s been a long time.

I don’t necessarily think that ignoring or dismissing something is the best coping strategy, especially when healing and growth need to occur.  I can say that for nearly a year now i’ve avoided this place (too many familiar sad stories), and i’ve stopped living by “What-ifs”. I’ve stopped thinking about wanting to be pregnant and our losses. I’ve stopped planning and arranging my life by pee sticks and days of the month. I’ve started to push myself to feel happy for friends and family with children (though not quite fully there).  I’ve liked their photos on Facebook and even smiled at a few diaper commercials.  I’m not in denial.  if I give pause and remind myself I’m easily flooded with painful emotion.  For the past almost year I’ve work to push these feelings aside … I’m not saying that’s the healthiest thing to do, because maybe it’s not, but my day-to-days have gotten easier. Maybe a little bit of denial is helpful in healing.  Maybe my mind needed/still needs a break. Maybe the constant reminders and sadness were keeping me stuck. I had to release some of that.

We haven’t been really trying to get pregnant for … I cant really even remember. Maybe a year and a half, maybe two.  I’ve stopped pre-natals, I’ve stopped testing and counting days. We haven’t prevented it from happening either.  Of course, nothing has happened, which is both good and bad.  Bad in the sense that, hey, it’s not totally normal to NOT get pregnant after having unprotected sex for a year and a half.  Good because that means I haven’t had to face the heartache of another miscarriage for a while now.  Actually, it’s been so long that i’ve started considering throwing my hat back into the ring.  Maybe we should start trying hard, charting days, and taking vitamins. My biggest and most real fear is that I will tailspin back into a pit of despair that i’ve worked really hard to scratch, claw and climb my way out of. It’s such a slippery slope. One ounce of hope or heartache could unravel any progress I’ve made … If I’ve made any true progress at all, I guess.

It’s just hard to think about going back down that rabbit hole. In this past year I’ve made some real positive changes in both my physical health and mental well being. I had gained all this weight because of the depression caused by 5 consecutive miscarriages and 4 years of trying for a live baby.  In this last year i’ve lost 20 of the 55 lbs I had gained (still have a ways to go!) I’ve slowly started working out and doing yoga. I’ve got a job that I really enjoy where I’m learning new things everyday. I’ve opened up more with my family about our struggles with recurrent pregnancy loss, and I find that sometimes a day or two can go by without sadness and thinking about my painful desire to have children. I have actual goals that aren’t centered around conceiving and maintaining pregnancy. I have interests and hobbies. I’ve been gentle and kind to myself. I’ve started to feel like me again.  Like, really me and not someone who’s trapped in a constant state of sorrow and cant see past the next five minutes. Not someone who’s trapped in a world of blocked friends on Facebook because she cant stand to see another birth announcement. Not someone who’s too scared to have an iced chai because of the caffeine or doesn’t want to plan a distant vacation for fear of flying pregnant. Not someone who can’t toast with champagne at a friend’s wedding. Not someone who gets jealous of people starting families much younger than she tried. Not someone who’s angry all the time. I’d really like to not be her again and I’m really worried that if we start trying harder then I might disappear into that abyss.

I have an appointment for my yearly with my GYN next week.  Truthfully, I haven’t been to see any doctor in over a year and a half  and I haven’t seen her in much longer.  I’m sure we will talk about things and maybe she will have some advice, maybe not.

I think we’re just kind of waiting for something good to happen to us. I know that’s unlikely, it doesn’t really work like that. People work hard for the good things they have in life and sometimes that includes children.  I think we’re just tired and waiting for lightning to strike.

Mr. Candid and RPL/Infertility Communication Woes

“what are you thinking about?”

“nothing.”

“that’s not possible.  you’ve got to be thinking about something.  Seriously, tell me what are you thinking about right this second.”

“nothing.”

-real-ish conversation between a 15 year old me and Mr. Candid

Back when we were that age, probably the only thing on his mind at any given time were boobs, music,  and “how can I see more boobs”. Not that he wasn’t/isn’t an incredibly intelligent, and motivated person, because he was and very much still is.  A master of many things. Most of my family goes to him with questions from medicine to home improvements.  He’s just one of those guys that loves to learn how to do things- and does them well.  I’m very fortunate. But at 16 if he could get away from his chemistry and biology homework, I’m positive “boobs” were some of his more frequent thoughts.

As 15 years have passed he’s become a bit more complex.  Now I’m sure he thinks of mortgage payments, how to convince me to remodel our bathroom, how to quit his job while still maintaining our income, how to get our new dog to stop peeing in the house, where to go on vacation and, of course, boobs.  At least those are the types of thoughts I’m privy to.  Some of the things he NEVER lets on to thinking about, though I’m sure he often does: medical bills, payment plans, how one of his drug addict patients stole her child’s pain medicine to shoot up (…or whatever you do with pain medicine), How another drug addict is pregnant with her third kid and is still buying needles, how he often sees me crying for seemingly “no reason” and doesn’t know how to fix it, how he feels stuck in most aspects of his life so he takes it out on what he can control- wanting a new job, remodeling the house, getting a new dog, etc., wanting me to go to a new doctor but being kind enough not to pressure me, and probably wishing we had more spontaneous sex.

He’s an amazing man, and wonderful husband.  He’d make such a great dad. He’s my best friend, my opposite in so many ways but my most favorite person to be around.

He’s not one who talks about deep things or spiritual things, or his beliefs on much, for that matter.  We don’t and never have had deep conversations about life or death or politics or war or peace or feelings or theories or hypothetical this and that.  He doesn’t like talking, or thinking about that kind of stuff.  Ever the scientist, who lives in the moment- very black and white and what he can see is what matters (again, very much my opposite).  So when I’m crying and he doesn’t know why or how to fix it-  I know it must bother him.  And the fact that we continue to have miscarriage after miscarriage with no solution or visible progress, is frustrating to him, to say the least.  And he does. Say the least,  I mean.

He tells me to take it easy when I am crampy or feeling down, comes to all of the doctors appointments, and has let me live employment free for 4 years now.  But he doesn’t EVER ask or bring up the topic of miscarriage, pregnancy, cycles, future child plans, adoption, surrogacy, how long is too long, how many are too many etc.  I never see him researching RPL, or Googling successes, or seeking out strategies etc.  That makes me feel really alone in this, especially when I see him spend hours researching the correct way to install a dishwasher.

Though I am hurt by this, and I’ve told him that on several occasions (to which he often feels attacked)- I get it.  I get it because I get him.  I know that he’s frustrated,  he’s in pain and doesn’t want to be reminded of that.  He’s angry that he can’t solve this and doesn’t want to be reminded of that by spending hours on the internet following other child-less RPL sufferers. It’s his defense mechanism to block it out almost completely.  And,  I know he doesn’t ask me questions because he doesn’t want to make me sad, or pressure me into doing anything I don’t completely want to do.  It’s the opposite of what I need…and that makes this whole situation all the more frustrating. If I mention something he certainly engages with me, and talks about it- my cycle, late periods, graphic details about my period/cycle/miscarriage, my hatred of HCG blood draws and Rhogam,  when my monitor tells me I am ovulating, why I stopped taking my vitamins etc.  And he supports every decision I have made, or even think about making- which isn’t always for the best.  Sometimes I need a little push back- like, hello, I probably should still be taking my vitamins.  I told him the other day that I wanted to stop taking my thyroid medicine too- and he was complete supportive (I’m not really going to stop taking my thyroid medicine.) He gets his enabling from his mother.

I know he doesn’t want to make this any harder on me than it already is. It makes me sad that he thinks he is just along for this awful ride.

So when I ask him what he’s thinking about at any random time these days, and he gives me some mundane, run of the mill answer, I accept it and don’t press the issue. After you’ve been together for a while, or been through something traumatic like infertility or RPL, you kind of just know.