“what are you thinking about?”

“nothing.”

“that’s not possible.  you’ve got to be thinking about something.  Seriously, tell me what are you thinking about right this second.”

“nothing.”

-real-ish conversation between a 15 year old me and Mr. Candid

Back when we were that age, probably the only thing on his mind at any given time were boobs, music,  and “how can I see more boobs”. Not that he wasn’t/isn’t an incredibly intelligent, and motivated person, because he was and very much still is.  A master of many things. Most of my family goes to him with questions from medicine to home improvements.  He’s just one of those guys that loves to learn how to do things- and does them well.  I’m very fortunate. But at 16 if he could get away from his chemistry and biology homework, I’m positive “boobs” were some of his more frequent thoughts.

As 15 years have passed he’s become a bit more complex.  Now I’m sure he thinks of mortgage payments, how to convince me to remodel our bathroom, how to quit his job while still maintaining our income, how to get our new dog to stop peeing in the house, where to go on vacation and, of course, boobs.  At least those are the types of thoughts I’m privy to.  Some of the things he NEVER lets on to thinking about, though I’m sure he often does: medical bills, payment plans, how one of his drug addict patients stole her child’s pain medicine to shoot up (…or whatever you do with pain medicine), How another drug addict is pregnant with her third kid and is still buying needles, how he often sees me crying for seemingly “no reason” and doesn’t know how to fix it, how he feels stuck in most aspects of his life so he takes it out on what he can control- wanting a new job, remodeling the house, getting a new dog, etc., wanting me to go to a new doctor but being kind enough not to pressure me, and probably wishing we had more spontaneous sex.

He’s an amazing man, and wonderful husband.  He’d make such a great dad. He’s my best friend, my opposite in so many ways but my most favorite person to be around.

He’s not one who talks about deep things or spiritual things, or his beliefs on much, for that matter.  We don’t and never have had deep conversations about life or death or politics or war or peace or feelings or theories or hypothetical this and that.  He doesn’t like talking, or thinking about that kind of stuff.  Ever the scientist, who lives in the moment- very black and white and what he can see is what matters (again, very much my opposite).  So when I’m crying and he doesn’t know why or how to fix it-  I know it must bother him.  And the fact that we continue to have miscarriage after miscarriage with no solution or visible progress, is frustrating to him, to say the least.  And he does. Say the least,  I mean.

He tells me to take it easy when I am crampy or feeling down, comes to all of the doctors appointments, and has let me live employment free for 4 years now.  But he doesn’t EVER ask or bring up the topic of miscarriage, pregnancy, cycles, future child plans, adoption, surrogacy, how long is too long, how many are too many etc.  I never see him researching RPL, or Googling successes, or seeking out strategies etc.  That makes me feel really alone in this, especially when I see him spend hours researching the correct way to install a dishwasher.

Though I am hurt by this, and I’ve told him that on several occasions (to which he often feels attacked)- I get it.  I get it because I get him.  I know that he’s frustrated,  he’s in pain and doesn’t want to be reminded of that.  He’s angry that he can’t solve this and doesn’t want to be reminded of that by spending hours on the internet following other child-less RPL sufferers. It’s his defense mechanism to block it out almost completely.  And,  I know he doesn’t ask me questions because he doesn’t want to make me sad, or pressure me into doing anything I don’t completely want to do.  It’s the opposite of what I need…and that makes this whole situation all the more frustrating. If I mention something he certainly engages with me, and talks about it- my cycle, late periods, graphic details about my period/cycle/miscarriage, my hatred of HCG blood draws and Rhogam,  when my monitor tells me I am ovulating, why I stopped taking my vitamins etc.  And he supports every decision I have made, or even think about making- which isn’t always for the best.  Sometimes I need a little push back- like, hello, I probably should still be taking my vitamins.  I told him the other day that I wanted to stop taking my thyroid medicine too- and he was complete supportive (I’m not really going to stop taking my thyroid medicine.) He gets his enabling from his mother.

I know he doesn’t want to make this any harder on me than it already is. It makes me sad that he thinks he is just along for this awful ride.

So when I ask him what he’s thinking about at any random time these days, and he gives me some mundane, run of the mill answer, I accept it and don’t press the issue. After you’ve been together for a while, or been through something traumatic like infertility or RPL, you kind of just know.