Mr. Candid and RPL/Infertility Communication Woes

“what are you thinking about?”

“nothing.”

“that’s not possible.  you’ve got to be thinking about something.  Seriously, tell me what are you thinking about right this second.”

“nothing.”

-real-ish conversation between a 15 year old me and Mr. Candid

Back when we were that age, probably the only thing on his mind at any given time were boobs, music,  and “how can I see more boobs”. Not that he wasn’t/isn’t an incredibly intelligent, and motivated person, because he was and very much still is.  A master of many things. Most of my family goes to him with questions from medicine to home improvements.  He’s just one of those guys that loves to learn how to do things- and does them well.  I’m very fortunate. But at 16 if he could get away from his chemistry and biology homework, I’m positive “boobs” were some of his more frequent thoughts.

As 15 years have passed he’s become a bit more complex.  Now I’m sure he thinks of mortgage payments, how to convince me to remodel our bathroom, how to quit his job while still maintaining our income, how to get our new dog to stop peeing in the house, where to go on vacation and, of course, boobs.  At least those are the types of thoughts I’m privy to.  Some of the things he NEVER lets on to thinking about, though I’m sure he often does: medical bills, payment plans, how one of his drug addict patients stole her child’s pain medicine to shoot up (…or whatever you do with pain medicine), How another drug addict is pregnant with her third kid and is still buying needles, how he often sees me crying for seemingly “no reason” and doesn’t know how to fix it, how he feels stuck in most aspects of his life so he takes it out on what he can control- wanting a new job, remodeling the house, getting a new dog, etc., wanting me to go to a new doctor but being kind enough not to pressure me, and probably wishing we had more spontaneous sex.

He’s an amazing man, and wonderful husband.  He’d make such a great dad. He’s my best friend, my opposite in so many ways but my most favorite person to be around.

He’s not one who talks about deep things or spiritual things, or his beliefs on much, for that matter.  We don’t and never have had deep conversations about life or death or politics or war or peace or feelings or theories or hypothetical this and that.  He doesn’t like talking, or thinking about that kind of stuff.  Ever the scientist, who lives in the moment- very black and white and what he can see is what matters (again, very much my opposite).  So when I’m crying and he doesn’t know why or how to fix it-  I know it must bother him.  And the fact that we continue to have miscarriage after miscarriage with no solution or visible progress, is frustrating to him, to say the least.  And he does. Say the least,  I mean.

He tells me to take it easy when I am crampy or feeling down, comes to all of the doctors appointments, and has let me live employment free for 4 years now.  But he doesn’t EVER ask or bring up the topic of miscarriage, pregnancy, cycles, future child plans, adoption, surrogacy, how long is too long, how many are too many etc.  I never see him researching RPL, or Googling successes, or seeking out strategies etc.  That makes me feel really alone in this, especially when I see him spend hours researching the correct way to install a dishwasher.

Though I am hurt by this, and I’ve told him that on several occasions (to which he often feels attacked)- I get it.  I get it because I get him.  I know that he’s frustrated,  he’s in pain and doesn’t want to be reminded of that.  He’s angry that he can’t solve this and doesn’t want to be reminded of that by spending hours on the internet following other child-less RPL sufferers. It’s his defense mechanism to block it out almost completely.  And,  I know he doesn’t ask me questions because he doesn’t want to make me sad, or pressure me into doing anything I don’t completely want to do.  It’s the opposite of what I need…and that makes this whole situation all the more frustrating. If I mention something he certainly engages with me, and talks about it- my cycle, late periods, graphic details about my period/cycle/miscarriage, my hatred of HCG blood draws and Rhogam,  when my monitor tells me I am ovulating, why I stopped taking my vitamins etc.  And he supports every decision I have made, or even think about making- which isn’t always for the best.  Sometimes I need a little push back- like, hello, I probably should still be taking my vitamins.  I told him the other day that I wanted to stop taking my thyroid medicine too- and he was complete supportive (I’m not really going to stop taking my thyroid medicine.) He gets his enabling from his mother.

I know he doesn’t want to make this any harder on me than it already is. It makes me sad that he thinks he is just along for this awful ride.

So when I ask him what he’s thinking about at any random time these days, and he gives me some mundane, run of the mill answer, I accept it and don’t press the issue. After you’ve been together for a while, or been through something traumatic like infertility or RPL, you kind of just know.

 

 

Lessons

RPL infertility has taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about living.

Most of the time I’m pretty bummed to be in the situation we’re in, but I often give thanks for what I do have, and appreciate in some small capacity the things I have learned on this journey.  To speak of a few, patience, and flexibility.  Patience is obvious.  I feel like over the past 4 years I’ve certainly earned a Masters in that.  Flexibility was a little less obvious.  I hadn’t realized how willing I had become to changing hopes, dreams and goals.  At one point in my life I had a very black and white picture of what I wanted, and who I wanted to become.  Now….I don’t really know those things anymore. That’s not to say I don’t still want to desperately become a mother.  Because I do. Desperately.  But we’ve been thrown so many curve balls, and my plan has gone so far off course that I’m not even sure what the plan is any more.  Life really does come at you.  It comes at you full force, left and right and whatever plans you had fly up into the air.  All you can do is hope to land somewhere close.

I wanted to have 2 babies by 30.  Here I am mid year 30 and no closer to 1 than when we started 4 years ago.  I wanted to have a successful job teaching art after college.  And here I am almost 10 years later, having never taught a day of art post graduation.

I am not the same person I was those 10 years ago….I’m not the same person I was 4 years ago. Old me would have had a problem with that.  I would have been stubborn and upset that my carefully laid plans and foundation for this dream life I created had not gone as planned.  Actually, just last week I was still pretty bummed about it. Then something happened.  I can’t say that I’ve profoundly changed over the course of a week, because truth is, I am still grieving the loss of those dreams and perfectly laid plans….but I did have a small epiphany, and I am really trying to change my daily mantras.  I am going to try to enjoy a new perspective on the life that I have right now, instead of living in constant sadness that things did not turn out the way I had hoped, and in constant fear that they aren’t going to get back on track.

Truth is, they probably wont.  My life in on a new track right now, and I can choose to get on, or stay exactly where I am.  And I am not happy where I am.  So I am trying to think positively about a new direction, and I’m deciding to choose happiness…whether it’s what I thought happiness looked like, or not.

 

Last week my husband had decided to apply for a new job, one that he saw being more rewarding than his current position.  The problem is that he would be potentially taking a 30-40K pay cut.  Ouch.  I currently do not work.  I stopped (traditional) work when we started trying for a family 4 years ago.  I currently create and sell online, but this can never make up the steady 30-40k we will need so that hubs can be a happier person.  Of course, I can’t help but think he would be a happier person if he had children to come home to…but right now he doesn’t, so I just want to see him happy in his profession.  So, I’ve decided that it’s time for me to put my dream of being a very successfully rich artist (cause that’s very unlikely) on hold or at least turn it back into a passionate hobby, and go back to school for something that will give me purpose and a paycheck. Honestly, I’m a little excited about it.  I’ve felt like I’ve been drifting along aimlessly for so long now….it’s nice to have a goal that I can actually achieve through hard work (instead of working towards some medical mystery I continuously fail at).  It will be nice to feel like I am contributing something of value, and not just shuffling around this house waiting for life to happen to me while everyone else is moving forward.

I think this will help me feel a little less defeated and a little more alive.  I think I will rediscover pride and accomplishment and all sorts of other positive feelings that I have missed.  Maybe my motivation will trickle into my physical health and I will get back to the gym and start feeling those things about my body again too…who knows.  I’m not going to push it, and I’m certainly not going to set my path in stone this time.  I’m going to be flexible, and work on bending instead of breaking.

The Run Away Fantasy

I’ve been imagining the possibility of running away. Plucking the younger, happier spirits of ourselves like tissues from a box. Soaring above towns, across countries, and moving them far away from this place we are in. I’m not sure where we would go. We could go anywhere.  Would I…Could I be happier somewhere else?  A fresh start, a do-over. What does that look like, where would that be?

Moving our bodies wont change our focus and wouldn’t change our situation. It feels like we’ve been treading water for 2 years. Stagnant.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  Yearning for progress, and scouring for something to pour new hope into. A new path, an altered destination.

So, when I look back to those faces of a happier, younger us, and think ” If I could put these two anywhere right now, where would it be?”

The answer is:  forward.