Today I went to do a little shopping at a local store here in town.  Its a relatively small town when you think of cities in the US….but I’d say average when it comes to Maine.

I was just about to leave when I hear someone say “Sriracha!” in a very familiar voice. I turned and saw an old friend from college playfully conversing with his toddler.  Once, a year or two ago I thought I had seen him, out of the corner of my eye, at this same shop. And again another time at the pet supply store.  I knew he lived locally, and that he was a cop in the neighboring town, but I guess I assumed I wouldn’t ever run into him. And I didn’t really, because as soon as I saw who it was, I quickly turned to leave.

Back in college I would say that we were really good friends for about 6 months. He lived a couple doors down the hall, and we shared a small circle of neighborly friends.  Then he started dating this girl who also lived in our hallway. I was awful to her.  Very immature and mean enough to warrant an end to our friendship, and speaking…  I was angry back then. I had a lot of reasons to feel like I wasn’t important and often felt that all of my friends and loved ones had left me behind.  So when he started dating her and choosing to spend time with her over me and our group of friends, I reacted like a child. I couldn’t cope with my feelings, and probably projected some my feelings of being “left behind”  by my then long-distance boyfriend (now husband) on to our friendship.  Of course back then I didn’t think it out like this.  I just said snide comments in the hall and left mean comments on the whiteboard hanging on my door.

So, I saw him today with his kids.  I creepily waited in my car in the parking lot for them to come out, just so that I could get another glimpse.  I’m not all too sure why.  Maybe curiosity.  I saw him exit. Running and pushing his child in his cart, his wife not far behind laughing and tossing her hair in the wind. I was hit by a wave of envy, jealousy, a little anger and a lot of regret – and not just for ruining that friendship.  I felt like I was spying on a private moment, one that I might not get to have with my own husband and our family.  So I got angry, and jealous, and regretful that maybe if I had tried sooner for a family we’d be the couple running happily through the parking lot with our brood (which is somewhat irrational since I was 27 when I had my first MC).  Maybe it’s Karma.

I usually avoid people I know from my past when I see them in public.  I’m a bit of an introvert, I’ve gained some weight, I’m currently unemployed and the only things I have to talk about are my dogs. When I do have to make conversation with a past friend or acquaintance I usually always deflect questions and topics about my life and ask a ton of questions about theirs.  I brush mine off as “the usual” or “busy with the house, dogs, etc”…. but I’d really rather not have these conversations at all.

I feel like as civilized people, we’re taught to be ashamed of these feelings.  I reminded myself on the way home that I shouldn’t be ashamed to feel anything.  They are just feelings. While it sucks to be in the position that we’re in right now, and it sucks to see old friends living a life you thought you’d live and it sucks to feel jealous…. “sucks” is just a state of feeling (and hopefully just a temporary one).  Its okay to feel it.  I’m choosing to cut myself some slack today.